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Today = Not Good

  • Feb. 15th, 2009 at 9:32 PM

Not doing too hot today. I'm a fucking disaster actually. I started ok but then it was like a storm just descended on me and I've wanted nothing more than to be left alone to sob violently. But at the same time I think "Hey, stupid, no amount of crying is going to fix this!" and I think other things like:

"There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just PMSing. Violently. Again."

"Ok maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I AM inclined towards depression."

"Maybe there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe this damn relationship is making me fucking crazy."

"This therapy crap is ridiculous."

"Ok that's it, I'm totally going to leave him. I have to. There's just no other way to do this. Rent will be $1500 a month if I stay here, and electricity will be close to $200..."

"There's no fucking way I can leave him. Things are going to get so heated. He's going to hate me. He's going to fucking HATE me. And then my kids will hate me too because this whole thing was my idea. Besides I can't afford to leave him."

"But seriously how the hell do I stay in this?"

"I am so sick of this stupid pouch on my stomach but I can't ever commit to anything so I don't do anything to make it go away. Why am I like that? Why am I so lame?"

"Oh, look! An air plant! I love air plants!"

"FUCKING WEEDS! I HATE YOU!"

"What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Some times I couldn't hold it and I'd burst out crying. Specifically in the car a couple of times and when I stepped into the shower. They last 90 seconds tops. And I feel like a fucking psycho. And so I have spent the whole day. Feeling psychotic. Feeling dark and dismal beyond fucking belief. Feeling like I don't even understand it. It's so heavy inside. It's crushing. And strange. And I despise it because it makes me feel so weak.

Comments

mamaslyth wrote:
Feb. 16th, 2009 03:02 am (UTC)
are you on any medications?
lavanotes wrote:
Feb. 16th, 2009 03:19 am (UTC)
Other than birth control, no
mamaslyth wrote:
Feb. 16th, 2009 03:23 am (UTC)
Would you be open to being put on some medication to help your moods? It can make a huge difference if your moods are that mercurical.
lavanotes wrote:
Feb. 16th, 2009 03:32 am (UTC)
Honestly, I hate the idea. She asked me about that during our consultation. I just don't like the idea of chemical warfare in my brain if that makes sense. I don't know...
mamaslyth wrote:
Feb. 16th, 2009 04:05 am (UTC)
A lot of people feel that way, but if you are having the problems you're describing here, then you already are having chemical warfare in your brain.

However, if you are truly against the idea, then you might try learning some cognitive behavioral anti-anxiety techniques. It will be hard learning anything on the roller coaster you're one, but it's possible.
mamaslyth wrote:
Feb. 16th, 2009 03:25 am (UTC)
BTW, I on meds to help the mood swings from menopause. It really did help my quality of life.
littlechibi wrote:
Feb. 16th, 2009 07:15 pm (UTC)
*hug*
I'm sorry you're going through all these things. I can understand the feeling psychotic part with the heaviness and crushing feelings. And the feeling weak. I was that way most of last year. And I understand not wanting to take meds. I mean, I'm a psychology major, and I still felt weak that I had to take them. But for most people they do help. And they aren't permanent. They just get you to a place where you can get past all the heaviness and darkness so that you can see and start working on what needs to be fixed. Sadly for me, they just made me, they made me too drowsy. But it's worth a shot :]

On another note, if you don't feel your therapist is helping and this isn't the way to go, perhaps it's time to find a different one? I know it took me a couple shots til I found one that was perfect. I do believe that they are worth seeing, if for nothing more than to vent and have someone put things into perspective. And while I feel that you should wait to make the decision to leave or stay with your husband until it seems your emotions are a little more stable and you can think more clearly, I think that if the only reasons you're staying are that everyone will hate you and you can't afford it, that's not enough.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with you :] I think anyone would feel the same way in the same situation. You're not psychotic. I think you're just upset and frustrated and hurting. And there's nothing wrong with crying over that.

I hope something happy comes along soon. If you need anyone to talk to, I'm always available !

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