"I swear I don't know what time it is but I know this means nothing much to me and I hear the voices ringing in my head and they keep telling, telling me to let go, let go, telling me to let go, let go, it would be better that way. Let it go let it go. It could be better that way. Let it go, let it go. It's just better that way. Let it go, let it go."
I'm ready. I'm ready to stop the insanity and let it all go and start fresh. It's been the most shattering experience of my life even though I've been preparing for it forever it seems. It's really surprising the way the fear, the grief, the loneliness, the monster of it all just has a way of rushing up behind me and striking without warning.
Living life has been a challenge. My eyes fill with tears in the most inane places (today at Big Lots for instance while shopping for soap) and for the most tiny of reasons (realizing that said soap didn't have to appeal to anyone but me), some times no reason at all (today walking down my hallways towards my bedroom). Being at work is the absolute worst. I don't have a job that keeps me interacting with people all day. I am alone at my desk. It's the most brutal thing in the world when the silence does nothing but shove the most awful thoughts into your brain. The past few days have been insanely hard. I have just had breakdown after breakdown.
Strangely, talking about it doesn't really help. Many times, it makes it so much harder. This baffles me because I usually feel so much better getting things out. In this case, however, I am more keen on a wound-like approach. Mama always told me my scabs would never heal if I just kept picking at them. So I'm leaving this one alone, throwing a band-aid on it and turning my attention to other things. The problem is when there's nothing to turn to, I guess.
I'm done though. I'm ready to be free of the pain. I'm ready to start healing. I'm done with the wicked thoughts that tear me apart and fill me with doubt and self-loathing. I am ready to come out of this happy. I am ready to come out of this free. I have all that I need-- me. Everything else is extra. It's time to trim down to the basics.
I am so ready. I feel so free, it's insanely strange. I'm not necessarily free, I have three children. But on some level, I am. My heart is free. My soul is free. My poor heart. I have damaged it so much, I hope it forgives me. I'm ready for the real thing. The true love.
"When I was a young boy my momma said to me there's only one girl in the world for you and she probably lives in Tahiti. I'll go the whole wide world, I'll go the whole wide world just to find her."
One day at a time is so much easier said than done.
By the way, you should probably know I'm under the influence of sorts. It's fading so I might refuel.
I had to. You don't understand.
While I really enjoyed myself yesterday, I really felt the pain and exhaustion today. Not cause I participated in the Corporate Run but because I was our Team Captain. For us, Corporate Run is a big event. We had 57 registered participants and more showed up to hang out. I'm pretty sure we were around 70 at one point.
Things at work have been insane. On many levels. One being that many many many people in the office are miserable. A note to upper management everywhere: the people who work for you aren't clueless that's why you hired them right? So remember that when you start acting out because you're stressed out about what's going on above you and that you're gonna have to trickle down eventually. We know the news is not good. We know there's going to be belt-tightening. But let's be honest-- we're expecting the worst and some of us more than others. And unfortunately, some of us don't handle that anxiety well. I'm ok on this end. I actually feel very happy and secure with whatever the future hands me. But I know others aren't. And they get vicious. I've seen some very nasty goings-on. People can be so cruel to each other at the end of the day. And it just seems like it's really hard for people to keep their angst and misery to themselves so instead of dealing with it-- they share the overwhelming wealth.
The other day, things were so dismal at work that I decided to use my lunch break to go to Publix and buy 108 cookies that i split between the two break rooms, made a note for, and walked away from (after possibly pinching a chocolate chip and an oatmeal raisin for myself). I tried putting the games from Daughters & Sons to Work Day in one of the break rooms so people could amuse themselves during lunch but evidently a manager disliked the idea because they're not there now.
At least the Corporate Run was a success. But it took a ridiculous amount of time and energy and to begin to explain to you how behind I am work-wise is futile. I brought my laptop home this weekend to see if maybe...
By the time I came home today, after staying at work till about SIX by the way (I get off at 4) I walked in, kissed everyone hi, went to my room and fell into my bed. Not 10 minutes later J sent Eldest in to wake me up and tell me I had to watch baby so they could shower for tonight's Heat game. Not amused. Especially considering he left work early to get Eldest, yes, but then he came home and "worked from home" which roughly translates into "napped with the laptop open". I was quite snappish with him after that. I couldn't help it.
I just remembered one of my snappier commentaries,"What, you couldn't shower earlier this afternoon when it was just the two of you? Oh wait, sleep's more important right?"
A few weeks ago, my therapist asked me if I resented J for anything and I answered not at all but lately, I am beginning to wonder if maybe there's something there and it's so stamped into the depth of me that I just haven't hit it yet. But maybe I'm scraping away and getting a little closer.
We had a couples session a couple of weeks ago. We were supposed to watch a particular movie together, spend a couple hours alone together, spend half an hour talking before bed, and not have sex. The only one we've been able to do is the last one. Because of me. Because shock of shocks, now that we were ordered not to have sex, he wants it all. of. the. time.
So anyhow. Today, I was edgy. Then I put the babies to sleep and engaged in some substance abuse and that took the edge off. Now I'm kind of reflective and emotional. It's not a bad thing. There's a lot of mental sighing going on. And now it's washing away and I don't know if I should dive in the fridge, freezer, liquor cabinet and start tossing back or do I just give the fuck up and go to sleep?
I feel lonely. But I don't want any company. Not really. I wouldn't mind being cuddled right now by someone who was really into me though.
I miss the feeling of being completely content in someone's embrace.
"He Can Only Hold Her"
He can only hold her for so long
The lights are on but no one's home
She's so vacant Her soul is taken
He thinks "What she's running from?"
How can he have her heart
When it got stole
Though he tries to pacify her
Whats inside her never dies
Even if she's content in his warmth
She gets pained with urgency
The miss misses
The man that he longs to be
Now how can he have her heart
When it got stole
So he tries to pass it by
Cause what's inside'll never die
As he tries to pacify her
Cause whats inside her never dies
It's a tear my hair out day.
Starting Tuesday J's pretty much been wrapped up in this insane conference his company's been doing and so he's been a ghost. Last night I don't know what time he came in. He says 2:30. My experience has been to add anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes to his answers. I guess the difference this time is that I am PMSing HARD and really I'm just not in the mood to be Single Mom. My house is beyond words disgusting. I mean seriously, you guys should see the leaning tower of clothes in my room. How it's still standing is beyond me but it's spilling onto the dresser and spreading all over the floor. There is crap EVERYWHERE. And the dishes have been untouched since Sunday night I'm pretty sure. So finally I got tired of the stink and shoved everything into the dishwasher. And I just can't will myself to do ANYTHING. I'm really shocked I did the dishwasher thing. I'm pretty sure my grandmother and mother think I'm either very ill, pregnant, or severely depressed because they keep checking on me and I know pity when I see it tattooed on your forehead.
I hate that.
Hate's a strong word. I really don't like that.
This week, I have also been really scatter-brained. I mean it's really in a bad way. I just can't focus on anything. I'm a mess at work and I've had to do the whole tunnel vision thing and go Man-Brain because every multi-tasking attempt on my end has been epic fail.
Burned out is an understatement.
And I'm really distracted by photography all of a sudden. It's strange. It kind of came out of nowhere although I'm sure it came from somewhere!
The thing that has me most distracted is Baby. He's been having these insane spells of stomach pain since about the end of January. And all they've been able to say so far is "Constipation!" but I just don't buy that. Today I just got so worked up about it I really almost did go across the street to the Children's Hospital. We went there in February. This time I was ready. I was gonna say, "My baby's sick and I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong with him and so help me if you tell me it's a cold because you are an overpaid snotty LIAR" I sweartogawd THIS close.
Instead I called the pediatrician's office and they were just closing up and the poor girl who answered my phone call kinda freaked out when I told her what had been going on and I think she could tell that I was really close to crying and she told me to bring him in first thing tomorrow morning so the doctor and I could work a new plan of action.
I don't understand why these things take DAYS or WEEKS. My baby is in PAIN. PAIN. Not uncomfortable. Not cranky. He's in freaking hardcore ohmygod face turns red PAIN. I videotaped an episode of it last night. Because I just don't think they believe me. Or that they understand me. It's hard to watch.
I feel really defeated today. Like if I was in a boxing match and the round just ended and I'd be in my corner I'd be telling my Coach that look really I'm done with this fight. Next fist that makes contact, I'm hitting that mat and I'm not waking up until tomorrow. Or maybe next week.
Last time I went to the psychologist she asked me again if I wasn't interested in some medication to even me out.
No thank you.
But maybe... no. No thank you.
They are so magical aren't they? God their skin is unlike anything else. And their hair is this delicious softness that you wish they could replicate for pillows. Or blankets. The way they fit so perfectly against your body. They're not long and dangly yet. Just perfectly sized. And they're smooshy with baby fat. Oh those cheeks. Oh those lips. Oh those lashes. Oh that nose. The quick and small breaths. The tenderness. And the fleetingness of it all. The startling fact that on the grand scale of life this stage is like a grain of rice. That warmth. That fierce love and protectiveness. The genuine and grand wishes of all the happiness in the world. The wonderment of it all. Where will you go? What will you do? What will you say? Who will you love along the way? The smell. That which each breath you inhale their softness. It's in the smell. I swear to you it is. I don't get to relish a sleeping baby much. It goes with the whole thing that as nice as it is, I think babies sleep better in cribs once they've gone to the appropriate no more night feeding stage. And my experience has been that they like it a lot and as much as they'd like to sleep on you they just don't do as hot. They squirm a lot trying to get comfy because this body of yours it's not THEIR bed. But every now and then, for just a few minutes, I get a really sleepy and snuggly baby in my arms and on my body. And I pay so much attention to the moment that it brings tears to my eyes. Every time. Swear.
My babies, my life. So simple.
I've been struggling with so many thoughts lately. What is the perfect answer? The ideal solution?
I guess the thing to discuss on Tuesday is, is that possible? Is that the right way to go? Is a marriage moldable? Am I?
I fucking hate this.
Every time he sees me sad and in thought he asks, "What's wrong? Why are you in a bad mood?"
"I don't know" or "Nothing" are the typical responses I give when what I am saying in my head is, "I'm just thinking about how to leave you and it makes me sad."
At the last minute today J called and told me something had come up and instead of taking his night off tomorrow as usual he was going to do it today so he could meet his friends and have a couple of drinks.
At first I was irritated but it got better after some useless rummaging through the internet.
My grandmother showed up at my door with arroz con pollo for me and the kids. I love living next door to abuela!
As the kids and I ate, I realized how early it was and so we laid out a plan. If we all ate really fast, and they got in the bath really fast, and we got them all washed up, we could all climb into Mommy's bed and eat ice cream and watch a movie. Boy did they LOVE that idea.
So we did just that. I love snuggling with the two big ones. The little one sleeps through all of this by the way.
And just now, after I tucked them into bed and spent some time on the internet with emails, I heard Daughter softly singing Twinkle Twinkle little star. And I went and got my new camera that has a voice recorder and by the time I came back she'd stopped and moved on to other melodies that I can't recognize and I'm sure one might be made up. And I sat outside their room and listened and recorded a small soundbite and relished in my melting heart.
Not doing too hot today. I'm a fucking disaster actually. I started ok but then it was like a storm just descended on me and I've wanted nothing more than to be left alone to sob violently. But at the same time I think "Hey, stupid, no amount of crying is going to fix this!" and I think other things like:
"There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just PMSing. Violently. Again."
"Ok maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe I AM inclined towards depression."
"Maybe there's nothing wrong with me. Maybe this damn relationship is making me fucking crazy."
"This therapy crap is ridiculous."
"Ok that's it, I'm totally going to leave him. I have to. There's just no other way to do this. Rent will be $1500 a month if I stay here, and electricity will be close to $200..."
"There's no fucking way I can leave him. Things are going to get so heated. He's going to hate me. He's going to fucking HATE me. And then my kids will hate me too because this whole thing was my idea. Besides I can't afford to leave him."
"But seriously how the hell do I stay in this?"
"I am so sick of this stupid pouch on my stomach but I can't ever commit to anything so I don't do anything to make it go away. Why am I like that? Why am I so lame?"
"Oh, look! An air plant! I love air plants!"
"FUCKING WEEDS! I HATE YOU!"
"What the fuck is wrong with me?"
Some times I couldn't hold it and I'd burst out crying. Specifically in the car a couple of times and when I stepped into the shower. They last 90 seconds tops. And I feel like a fucking psycho. And so I have spent the whole day. Feeling psychotic. Feeling dark and dismal beyond fucking belief. Feeling like I don't even understand it. It's so heavy inside. It's crushing. And strange. And I despise it because it makes me feel so weak.