January 19th, 2009

Obladi Oblada

I find it interesting that when life really picks up, the blog dies down. And of corse, it makes sense. When things are hectic certain things fall to the side. For me it's just strange because writing is a lot like a therapy for me and I guess maybe it is intentional because I tend to fall silent when I don't want to deal with what's going on.

I've been meaning to post something like this for ages and I'm not sure what's got me doing it although I've done this same thing twice already and deleted it every time.

My marriage is falling apart. It's so strange. It's not a mess it's just a sort of decay. Like our fifth anniversary was on Saturday and we did an exchange of gifts (kind of because we both ordered online and neither is yet to arrive) and he got me a card but I didn't get him one which has me kind of depressed now because really is it that dead to me?

I go to a counselor next Tuesday. I anticipate it as much as I dread it. I dread every day for different reasons.

Mostly my big problem is I feel like I'm fighting with a mold. Things are supposed to be THIS way and I need to be THAT way.

I feel a lot of emotions. I feel irresponsible and selfish mostly. I feel somewhat resentful. I feel pretty lonely. Mostly selfish though,

I don't know what to expect this year at all. Usually, you know, I have some sort of hope or aspiration. This year is a blank.

I can't imagine leaving. I can't imagine staying.

I keep tracing back to a time when things started falling apart. I think it was a few months after Daughter. And they accelerated when I went back to work. And then they plummeted into a horrific low when I was pregnant and now I'm just going crazy again. It's like I go from a fog to claustrophobia to a fog to claustrophobia.

I tried telling him how I feel and he couldn't take it. He left me alone so he could cry.

Selfish of me. I thought he would have a clue. I thought he'd have an inkling. It caught him so off guard.

I didn't even get him a card. What is wrong with me?

An event worth documenting

And no I'm not talking about the inauguration tomorrow like everyone else.

It was earlier this afternoon. I stayed home from work today with the kids. I have been doing laundry ALL day.

I had finished folding a load in time for the other one to buzz that it was ready and as I walked to the laundry room, I passed by Daughter.

My petite super cute mischeivous as hell two year old daughter was flattened against a wall holding a Star Wars blaster gun clearly hunting someone or something down. It amused me and I went on to the laundry room. As I was dumping hot clothes into the basket I hear a crash from the dining room Daughter was in two seconds ago.

And then I hear my super cute mischeivous as hell two year old daughter exclaim, "Aw shit!"

And then she called out, "Mom! "MOOOOM!"

And it suddenly dawned on me that I was cringing but I wasn't sure if I was cringing because there might very well be a broken mess in the dining room I'd need to clean up, or because my darling daughter had just exclaimed "Aw shit!" in a fashion that was too familiar for my own comfort, or because the way she was calling me sounded much more like a twelve year old than a two year old and it hurt my heart so much.

As for the mess, it turned out to be nothing more than an overturned bag of golf clubs. As for "Aw shit!" I promptly corrected her, "Aw shOOT!". And as for "MOM!" it really broke my heart and made me yearn for the days that I swear weren't that long ago when she'd call me "mama!" in a way that really completely melted my soul.