lavanotes (lavanotes) wrote,

Strange Days

One day at a time is so much easier said than done.

By the way, you should probably know I'm under the influence of sorts. It's fading so I might refuel.

I had to. You don't understand.

While I really enjoyed myself yesterday, I really felt the pain and exhaustion today. Not cause I participated in the Corporate Run but because I was our Team Captain. For us, Corporate Run is a big event. We had 57 registered participants and more showed up to hang out. I'm pretty sure we were around 70 at one point.

Things at work have been insane. On many levels. One being that many many many people in the office are miserable. A note to upper management everywhere: the people who work for you aren't clueless that's why you hired them right? So remember that when you start acting out because you're stressed out about what's going on above you and that you're gonna have to trickle down eventually. We know the news is not good. We know there's going to be belt-tightening. But let's be honest-- we're expecting the worst and some of us more than others. And unfortunately, some of us don't handle that anxiety well. I'm ok on this end. I actually feel very happy and secure with whatever the future hands me. But I know others aren't. And they get vicious. I've seen some very nasty goings-on. People can be so cruel to each other at the end of the day. And it just seems like it's really hard for people to keep their angst and misery to themselves so instead of dealing with it-- they share the overwhelming wealth.

The other day, things were so dismal at work that I decided to use my lunch break to go to Publix and buy 108 cookies that i split between the two break rooms, made a note for, and walked away from (after possibly pinching a chocolate chip and an oatmeal raisin for myself). I tried putting the games from Daughters & Sons to Work Day in one of the break rooms so people could amuse themselves during lunch but evidently a manager disliked the idea because they're not there now.

At least the Corporate Run was a success. But it took a ridiculous amount of time and energy and to begin to explain to you how behind I am work-wise is futile. I brought my laptop home this weekend to see if maybe...

By the time I came home today, after staying at work till about SIX by the way (I get off at 4) I walked in, kissed everyone hi, went to my room and fell into my bed. Not 10 minutes later J sent Eldest in to wake me up and tell me I had to watch baby so they could shower for tonight's Heat game. Not amused. Especially considering he left work early to get Eldest, yes, but then he came home and "worked from home" which roughly translates into "napped with the laptop open". I was quite snappish with him after that. I couldn't help it.

I just remembered one of my snappier commentaries,"What, you couldn't shower earlier this afternoon when it was just the two of you? Oh wait, sleep's more important right?"

A few weeks ago, my therapist asked me if I resented J for anything and I answered not at all but lately, I am beginning to wonder if maybe there's something there and it's so stamped into the depth of me that I just haven't hit it yet. But maybe I'm scraping away and getting a little closer.

We had a couples session a couple of weeks ago. We were supposed to watch a particular movie together, spend a couple hours alone together, spend half an hour talking before bed, and not have sex. The only one we've been able to do is the last one. Because of me. Because shock of shocks, now that we were ordered not to have sex, he wants it all. of. the. time.

No thanks.

So anyhow. Today, I was edgy. Then I put the babies to sleep and engaged in some substance abuse and that took the edge off. Now I'm kind of reflective and emotional. It's not a bad thing. There's a lot of mental sighing going on. And now it's washing away and I don't know if I should dive in the fridge, freezer, liquor cabinet and start tossing back or do I just give the fuck up and go to sleep?

I feel lonely. But I don't want any company. Not really. I wouldn't mind being cuddled right now by someone who was really into me though.

I miss the feeling of being completely content in someone's embrace.
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