I'm ready. I'm ready to stop the insanity and let it all go and start fresh. It's been the most shattering experience of my life even though I've been preparing for it forever it seems. It's really surprising the way the fear, the grief, the loneliness, the monster of it all just has a way of rushing up behind me and striking without warning.
Living life has been a challenge. My eyes fill with tears in the most inane places (today at Big Lots for instance while shopping for soap) and for the most tiny of reasons (realizing that said soap didn't have to appeal to anyone but me), some times no reason at all (today walking down my hallways towards my bedroom). Being at work is the absolute worst. I don't have a job that keeps me interacting with people all day. I am alone at my desk. It's the most brutal thing in the world when the silence does nothing but shove the most awful thoughts into your brain. The past few days have been insanely hard. I have just had breakdown after breakdown.
Strangely, talking about it doesn't really help. Many times, it makes it so much harder. This baffles me because I usually feel so much better getting things out. In this case, however, I am more keen on a wound-like approach. Mama always told me my scabs would never heal if I just kept picking at them. So I'm leaving this one alone, throwing a band-aid on it and turning my attention to other things. The problem is when there's nothing to turn to, I guess.
I'm done though. I'm ready to be free of the pain. I'm ready to start healing. I'm done with the wicked thoughts that tear me apart and fill me with doubt and self-loathing. I am ready to come out of this happy. I am ready to come out of this free. I have all that I need-- me. Everything else is extra. It's time to trim down to the basics.
I am so ready. I feel so free, it's insanely strange. I'm not necessarily free, I have three children. But on some level, I am. My heart is free. My soul is free. My poor heart. I have damaged it so much, I hope it forgives me. I'm ready for the real thing. The true love.
"When I was a young boy my momma said to me there's only one girl in the world for you and she probably lives in Tahiti. I'll go the whole wide world, I'll go the whole wide world just to find her."