The Price(s) of Sanity

I feel like I'm living on an extremely active fault line. Every day is just new stuff and mostly its tremors but I know the big one is lurking.

I can't recall if I mentioned in my last post that my husband is going to see my therapist next Tuesday and I go later on that same day and she's going to give me her feedback on what she thinks his mental state is regarding our marriage.

And the thing that terrifies me is she is going to tell me we can do this and saving our marriage is the way to go. Because you see, the amount of work I believe that will take... Well honestly, I'm not sure there is any amount of work that can fix it. And I have a night like tonight where it's his night off so he's out and it's just me and the three kids and we're fine-- we're great, and I wonder, really I can do this. I actually have clarity on nights like these. Because I'm running my house my way and there's no interference or curveballs really. So I start to think well if I'm really going to do this, I really need money. And if I really need money, I can't afford therapy. I need that money to live.

However, in the back of my head there's that little monster and it's whispering about those other days, the not so good ones where nothing goes right and I can't get myself to want to do anything and I just feel like breaking into a million pieces never to come together again. And how on some of those days J really is a kind of blessing to have.

*sigh*

As much as I like my therapist, I'm leaning towards abandoning it. I don't mind a little guidance but this whole almost weekly stuff is getting to me.

Getting older sucks.

Therapy


I've started seeing a psychologist. I've been twice.

I've never done therapy. And it really makes me very anxious. Some times it makes me happy and excited though.

The big problem is my marriage. I need to figure out what I want there. It totally torments me thinking about it and the idea of staying is just as stressful as the idea of leaving.

She wants my husband to go see her so she can get some input from him and see where his head's at. He's going to call her this week.

I really feel like my life is in total shambles and I want so desperately for it to not be shambly. I don't want perfect I just don't want this mess.

Cyclical

One of my favoritest things about being on birth control like NuvaRing is how much more aware I become of my cycle and associated mood swings. I'm not a big-time PMSer but I do notice increased anxiety, increased emotional reactions, and decreased patience with myself and others.

I requested last Friday, yesterday, and today off so that I could get my house under control. I feel like I've never had any house completely under control. We've always moved in during frenzied times like final trimesters of pregnancies and so many things just slip through the cracks. So here in this house that I love I have been growing insanely frustrated with the fact I just haven't been able to get it under a manageable system.This despite the fact my husband is springing for a very nice lady to come and clean every other Wednesday. So that was my intention several weeks ago when I giddily placed my vacation request. Well, not so much Friday. Friday was a field trip with Daughter's daycare to go the circus. But the rest, for sure. And then I realized just a week before my vacation was coming that Monday was Martin Luther King Day and not only was Eldest's school closed, but the daycare as well.

Now, I have been hacking away at the house every extra minute I have found myself. So I figured it was a good thing that I would be able to have a day with the kids. And what a day it was. Lots of fun and I even managed to wash every piece of dirty laundry in the house (ten loads- 3 on Sunday and 7 on Monday), fold 95% of it (I'd forgotten the one impromptu) load in the dryer, and put away 75% of it (the baby was sleeping so his clothes is still waiting and J puts away his clothes).

This morning I found it incredibly hard to get out of bed. And so I didn't until almost 11 in the morning. And when I did, I went into the playroom and moved every bin and almost every box into the living room and got to work watching the innauguration. It went by surprisingly fast though I'm kicking myself for forgetting the big plastic toy box. One garbage bag of trash and one garbage bag of donations. I rearranged some of the furniture and picked it all up. Well most of it. I decided I couldn't take being in the house anymore and slipped out for a couple of hours then went to get the kids at daycare.

So, the POINT is that not too long ago I was in the living room and I was taking in the scattered odds and ends from the play room that I was yet to put away. And the dining table that is covered on one half in complete clutter and paper and the horrible book shelf that leans precariously back and forth and I swore I'd empty. And I just got so upset at myself. And so frustrated that I didn't have any type of control over anything not even my little tiny house and I felt myself getting teary and it annoyed me! And like a damn lightning bolt, I realized I'm pretty sure I have to take the NuvaRing out this Friday. Which means that I'd be getting my period this weekend or early next week. Which means I'm PMSing. My torn cuticles and nails further attest to the fact. But that realization was so important. Now I have to cling to that for the rest of the week because the most harmful thing for me is to feel I am losing control of myself and by realizing this cyclical movement, I am back in control. I'm able to see it's not that I'm losing control it's that my hormones are playing with me.

An event worth documenting

And no I'm not talking about the inauguration tomorrow like everyone else.

It was earlier this afternoon. I stayed home from work today with the kids. I have been doing laundry ALL day.

I had finished folding a load in time for the other one to buzz that it was ready and as I walked to the laundry room, I passed by Daughter.

My petite super cute mischeivous as hell two year old daughter was flattened against a wall holding a Star Wars blaster gun clearly hunting someone or something down. It amused me and I went on to the laundry room. As I was dumping hot clothes into the basket I hear a crash from the dining room Daughter was in two seconds ago.

And then I hear my super cute mischeivous as hell two year old daughter exclaim, "Aw shit!"

And then she called out, "Mom! "MOOOOM!"

And it suddenly dawned on me that I was cringing but I wasn't sure if I was cringing because there might very well be a broken mess in the dining room I'd need to clean up, or because my darling daughter had just exclaimed "Aw shit!" in a fashion that was too familiar for my own comfort, or because the way she was calling me sounded much more like a twelve year old than a two year old and it hurt my heart so much.

As for the mess, it turned out to be nothing more than an overturned bag of golf clubs. As for "Aw shit!" I promptly corrected her, "Aw shOOT!". And as for "MOM!" it really broke my heart and made me yearn for the days that I swear weren't that long ago when she'd call me "mama!" in a way that really completely melted my soul.

Obladi Oblada

I find it interesting that when life really picks up, the blog dies down. And of corse, it makes sense. When things are hectic certain things fall to the side. For me it's just strange because writing is a lot like a therapy for me and I guess maybe it is intentional because I tend to fall silent when I don't want to deal with what's going on.

I've been meaning to post something like this for ages and I'm not sure what's got me doing it although I've done this same thing twice already and deleted it every time.

My marriage is falling apart. It's so strange. It's not a mess it's just a sort of decay. Like our fifth anniversary was on Saturday and we did an exchange of gifts (kind of because we both ordered online and neither is yet to arrive) and he got me a card but I didn't get him one which has me kind of depressed now because really is it that dead to me?

I go to a counselor next Tuesday. I anticipate it as much as I dread it. I dread every day for different reasons.

Mostly my big problem is I feel like I'm fighting with a mold. Things are supposed to be THIS way and I need to be THAT way.

I feel a lot of emotions. I feel irresponsible and selfish mostly. I feel somewhat resentful. I feel pretty lonely. Mostly selfish though,

I don't know what to expect this year at all. Usually, you know, I have some sort of hope or aspiration. This year is a blank.

I can't imagine leaving. I can't imagine staying.

I keep tracing back to a time when things started falling apart. I think it was a few months after Daughter. And they accelerated when I went back to work. And then they plummeted into a horrific low when I was pregnant and now I'm just going crazy again. It's like I go from a fog to claustrophobia to a fog to claustrophobia.

I tried telling him how I feel and he couldn't take it. He left me alone so he could cry.

Selfish of me. I thought he would have a clue. I thought he'd have an inkling. It caught him so off guard.

I didn't even get him a card. What is wrong with me?

Uberlist 2009

  1. Get a belly I'm proud of.
  2. Put up the fence in the yard.
  3. Get artwork for the dining room.
  4. Try corsetting.
  5. Cook at least once a week.
  6. Make working out part of my life.
  7. See a counselor.
  8. Work shit out with my husband one way or another.
  9. Get my credit cards down to zero with the snowball method.
  10. Resolve the house issue.
  11. Plant (and maintain) a garden.




Work in progress...

Holy Cow!


Hi

*insert sheepish grin here*

I won't really try to explain or anything. Let me just say that I'm in my new house. I love it. I have TIME and you have no idea how insanely wonderful TIME is. Delicious.

The real reason I'm here is because I feel like spewing on my new obsession and I intend on perusing LiveJournal as I have so many times before when a new interest takes hold. We've seen it all here-- scapbooking, ATC's, knitting, swapping, Flickr, Etsy, PostCrossing, etc. So what has me going these days? What could it be?

Getting rid of this post-third-baby body!!!!

You know, the worst part is that I am not doing too badly. At all. I actually look really good for having had my third baby SIX MONTHS ago. The other day, I even managed to march into work wearing a Banana Republic skirt in a size ZERO. HELLO!

But,  I have jiggles. Major jiggles. Major jiggly pouch issues. And thanks to my best friend I'm now sort of obsessed with my butt too. This all started about a week or two before Halloween. The whole thing with wearing a sexy costume just got me really fixated on my body. Not only that but my best guy friend and one of my best girlfriends have been completely fixated with exercising lately. So when the two people you talk with all day are constantly talking about their bodies or their exercise routine or their diet or everything, well I can't speak for you but personally I can't help but looking at myself--hard. So I bought some DVDs and yanked out my NYC Ballet DVD and I started working out and I started losing weight! Hooray! I was really into it! I jogged in the mornings or did my DVDs. I took the kids out for a walk. Then I started taking an even closer look at what I was eating and I found this FANTASTIC site: http://www.fitnessmagazine.com and I joined up. A couple of days later I got a e-mail from them to try a four week full body makeover. FUN! I had just started a four week ab program they had but this looked great! So I've been doing it as best as I can and I'm in the second week. Kinda. I prefer to think I'm in my first week.

Funny enough, my biggest challenge to doing this workout challenge consistently, has been TIME. Because while I now have time to play with my kids, have dinner with my husband, and relax on the computer, I find it hard to find time to work out. And it's because this program requires about 45 minutes to an hour. When I first started working out in general, my resolution to this problem was working out at five in the morning. But seriously. Waking up at five in the morning to work out in a winter morning SUCKS. And yes this is Miami and winter mornings rarely drop below 50 but it's still cold and gloomy and dark.

So I've been working out at night, usually 8:30, 9ish.  I try and get motivation from my friends. And from me. The other day I got insanely excited because when I raised my arms to put my hair into a ponytail, I saw these really pretty indentations on my shoulder that I'd never seen before. WOW! But then I glanced down and that STUPID JIGGLY POUCH was there. Mocking me. So I punished myself yesterday with a long bike ride with Daughter on the back in the morning and my four week workout in the evening. Today, I forced myself to sweat gallons with the help of The Bollywood Dance Workout.

I'm kind of proud of myself. Clearly I have lost a lot of weight (although my Wii Fit says I gained THREE pounds in less than TWO WEEKS). But most of the time, I find myself FRUSTRATED that I'm out of shape and jiggly as Jello.

So I'm here. Putting it out there. Motivation motivation motivation.

Drooling


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Moving

And we're moving- again! We seem to be moving about every two years. It's frustrating but exciting too. We are not sure what will happen with the townhouse. We couldn't pay the mortgage last month or this month because of the moving expenses and the rent and all of that. There is a  path we're going to take but right now we're not thinking about it, we're focused on moving. The future is certainly hazy.

Living so far from everything is destroying us. My kids are starved for attention. J and I are constantly exhausted and we just don't enjoy each other because we don't have the time. I found a new daycare I think. I'm going today to see it.

I honestly don't care if I ever buy another house again. I just want to stay in a place for more than 2 or 3 years. It's exhausting.